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While every wedding speech should contain some sincere, optimistic and entertaining words, each of the main speakers should select just the right anecdotes, quotations and jokes to support their overall message and to give the audience what they want and expect.
It is a good idea for all the speakers to meet – or at least keep in contact, possibly by email, text or phone – to ensure that there is no duplication of jokes, stories or other material. It could be a little embarrassing if two or more speakers each describe how the happy couple met – especially if their versions differ.
However, that does not mean you should read each others’ speeches; it simply means knowing you are not going to be talking about exactly the same thing as anyone else. Also, the best man should be a little sneaky here by withholding details of some of the stories he is going to relate about the groom. These should not be known by anyone in advance and should therefore be a surprise to everyone on the Big Day.
If it is a second or subsequent marriage, it is perfectly acceptable for a speaker to make a passing reference to the fact, but never to dwell on it. However, if either or both of the couple have children from a previous relationship, it is important not to hurt the youngsters’ feelings.
The best advice in this situation is not to mention the ex-partner or relationship, but to make sure the children are not only mentioned, but also warmly welcomed into the new family. Children can easily recognise or perceive favouritism, so if there is more than one child involved, make sure each is welcomed equally enthusiastically. Roll out the red carpet for all of them.
It is common – though not universal - for the father of the bride to mention any people who were influential during his daughter’s formative years – or possibly during the groom’s – but who are unable to attend, perhaps because they live far away or because of illness. A potentially tricky situation arises when a close friend or family member is seriously ill or has recently died. Once again, it is perfectly acceptable to mention this, if you want to - and if you have agreed this in advance with those closest to the person concerned. Simply be tactful and respectful in what you say, before returning to the celebratory theme of your speech.
Alternatively, the groom could make the toast to absent friends. This would be particularly appropriate if one or more of the couple’s parents is ill or has recently died. However, under other circumstances, most wedding etiquette experts agree that the age and maturity of the father of the bride gives him the gravitas necessary to make this sometimes necessarily sober and thoughtful toast.
Make sure you get everyone’s names right. A father may be used to linking his daughter’s name with that of her sister or brother (‘Debbie, Ray, be quiet!’). At the reception it is therefore all too easy for him to marry his daughter off to the wrong person (‘I am delighted that Debbie and Ray have today tied the knot’). Your family may find this faux pas amusing; the groom and his family may not be quite so sure. If you find you are making a similar error as you rehearse your speech, make sure you name the groom first.
Your wedding speech is a time for celebration, and holding centre stage does not entitle you to hijack the proceedings. So don’t embarrass the bride or groom by mentioning old flames or by knocking the institution of marriage. And never use the opportunity to have a go at a former partner. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
This is an important day for all concerned. People want and expect plenty of encouraging thoughts and heartening messages. Your speech should help provide them. It should be:
This is not a time to share your personal woes, paint a gloomy picture of the present or offer dire predictions about the future. Every wedding speaker should be upbeat and positive in what they say. Even the most humorous best man’s roasting remarks should be sugared with sincere praise.
Honesty is what they want. Convey your genuine feelings to the audience. The key word here is genuine. False heartiness, cheap sincerity and – worst of all – crocodile tears will be all too obvious to an audience. Clearly, the amount of emotion displayed must depend on the personality of the speaker and the relationship he or she has with the bride, the groom, or both of them.
If you want to convey your innermost feelings, but find this difficult, you could do so by expressing the thoughts of others. In other words, you could weave in a couple of meaningful quotations. However, remember that quotations are intended to promote smiles and nods rather than strong emotional reactions or helpless mirth. For that reason they should used sparingly: spread thinly, like caviar, not piled on liberally, like marmalade.
Any speech will benefit from an injection of a little humour. You do not need to be a stand-up comedian, indeed you should not be. However, you should always allow the humorous side of your personality to shine through.
Everyone loves a good gag. If you can find a relevant joke you are onto a winner. It will relax the audience and you. Matching your choice of material to the nature of the guests is easy when the entire group know each other – and they all know the bride and groom. At a wedding reception, this is often not the case, so you must choose your jokes and one-liners with care. If you include unnecessary details or drag a story out, those not in the know will soon lose interest.
You won’t make your speech immortal by making it everlasting. In the Bible, the story of the Creation is told in 400 words (that’s about 3 minutes) and the Ten Commandments are covered in less than 300.
If you are one of the ‘Big Three’ - father of the bride, bridegroom or best man - or if you are speaking on behalf of one of them, try to say everything you need to in around 5 to 10 minutes. If you are an ‘additional’ speaker, it would be courteous not to risk stealing anyone’s thunder by speaking for longer than the main contributors. The exceptions to this ‘rule’ are a parent of the groom and the bride herself. Etiquette and common sense would certainly permit them to speak for about as long as their counterparts, the father of the bride and the bridegroom.
Size does matter. And no speech can be entirely bad if it’s short enough. Don’t make the mistake of starting your speech at 1 o’clock sharp and ending it a 2 o’clock flat. Stand up to be seen; speak up to be heard; shut up to be appreciated.
Excerpted from “Wedding Speeches and Etiquette” by John Bowden, published by How To Books. Available from good bookshops and Amazon.
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