Wedding speeches: the dark secrets of toasts

by John Bowden

The origin of the very first toast is uncertain though it may well have developed out of mutual mistrust. In Ancient Greece one of the preferred ways of dealing with social and domestic problems such as business disputes, family feuds or divorce, was to invite people for a ‘reconciliatory’ goblet of wine, to tell them that life was too short for disputes, and then to seriously shorten their lives by administering hemlock to their drink. This gave a whole new meaning to the expression, ‘What’s your poison?’

Before too long people cottoned on to this pernicious practice and decided to think twice before imbibing, thereby maximizing their chance of surviving long enough to order a chariot home. And yet it would have been incredibly impolite not to drink what you had been served. The solution to this moral dilemma was for the host to take the first drink after the wine was poured from a single bottle or decanter. If he didn’t keel over, the guests could be assured the wine was safe for them to drink, too – as they tossed back a preliminary sip from their own goblets. This, then, was the beginning of the notion of ‘Drinking to your health’.

Burnt offerings

The actual term toast appears to have derived from the Roman practice of dropping some burnt bread into a large bowl of wine as a way of removing undesirable flavors from the beverage. In particular, the cremated crust reduced the wine’s acidity, making it more palatable - especially if it happened to be from one of those ‘Buy 3 for 10,000 Lira’ deals in the first place. After that the bowl would be passed around and shared by all the guests. Towards the end of the evening, the host would be expected to say a few words in honour of his guests before drinking those dreaded dregs and ceremonially consuming the now saturated and soggy piece of toast.

We now fast-forward to seventeenth century Britain where toasting had become the norm in civilized society. At this time the position of Toastmaster was introduced to ensure everyone had a fair chance to have their say, and the custom of drinking to Absent Friends was borrowed from Scandinavia. Interestingly, in the 1600s the word toast was extended to refer to the wine glass containing the toast. Later, the meaning was stretched even further to refer to the act of drinking itself, and then further still to refer to the entire ritual and even to a person or persons being honoured.

At weddings today, toasts are as normal a part of a meal as eating with utensils and spilling peas on the floor. Participants and guests alike continue to go through all the motions of what appears to be a sort of secular communion. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Far from it. Perhaps we could do with a few more customs that bring us together in such spontaneous acts of community.

Toasting etiquette

The reason the father of the bride traditionally has the honour of opening proceedings and proposing the first toast is that he would have paid for wedding and, as host, it was considered appropriate that he spoke first. In reality, though, nowadays less than 20% of couples rely entirely on the bride’s dad for funding - and almost two-thirds of them pay for everything themselves. Nevertheless, the tradition largely remains and it is still considered polite and courteous to invite him to speak first, followed, in turn, by the groom and his best man.

However, there are no rules that demand that those who traditionally make the speeches must actually do so. So don't let the thought of making a speech ruin your enjoyment of the wedding preparations and the day itself. If you wish, you could ask another family member or close friend of the family to speak on your behalf, especially if you are the father of the bride. Nobody should ever be forced to address the guests, if they do not want to. This is a happy day, so no one should be forced to do anything.

Excerpted from “Wedding Speeches and Etiquette” by John Bowden, published by How To Books.
Available from good bookshops and Amazon.

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